blackrimglasses

I was thinking yesterday about crit. Or as I called it then, silverback gorillas pounding their chest to get heard. In the penultimate crit of my MFA, I presented pStruct, wickedly cool application that I developed to answer the simple question: what if data had life?

I launched into a spirited presentation, as I had no clue how to adequately convey what was essentially 4 years of research and two years of programming. At the end of a display which involved white board diagrams, some singing and a little two-step I think, I was met with blank stares from most. And then the insults started.

I was called a charlatan, a hack, a fake, a “wannabe” punk ethos making a mockery of contemporary art practice. I deflected each with ease, back on the person who gave it. What I found interesting is that these people were so invested in their own concept of self-worth through their own actions that anything that challenged that (pStruct or my job) served as a reflection back on their own issues with their life choices.

So calling me a charlatan wasn’t necessarily reflective of me. It was reflective of the fact that my actions challenged his own inward validity.

Not to get too psychoanalytical, but he had penis problems I imagine.

That was a few months ago. And thinking back on it I am most thankful for that crit, as I think it marked a turning point in terms of my life’s work. I lived in an idealistic state in the last three years in which I sought to close myself off to exterior concerns through focusing on intellectual academic pursuits rather than a capitalistic notion of translating thoght into dollars. I wrote, spoke, researched and read. But I didn’t “do.” I was action through inaction, with ideas rather than realization.

That crit, in which I presented the one thing I realized, and was dismissed as a fraud because of it provided an insight into what was happening with my life.

I was too closed off within a sheltered environment, seeking appreciation from those who didn’t understand, but refusing to venture outside of the inhabited space for fear of likewise rejection of ideas. What I think I missed was that it was only compartmentalized at school, and that outside of that idealized self-perceived utopia, the barriers between art/not-art, science/not-science, etc were of little concern.

Just do, don’t think too much. Execute without over deliberation. First thought best thought.

Certainly self-help enough terms and ideas, but in application it certainly does help.

So thank you Jesse, Nelson, et all. Walking out on me, calling me a fraud and a hack was the best thing you could have done.